I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining ten pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. Tt's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner.
Copyright © 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 by [Epstein LaRue]. All rights reserved. The content of this website is from my previous possum recipe website and is a collection of recipes that was given to me a long time ago by Brandon. The images were sent to me via email throughout the years and/or was purchased at a photo warehouse. Absolutely no copyrighted material as been purposely added to this site. If you believe that your copyrighted information has been added here, please send me an email and it will be immediately removed. webmaster @redneckpossum.com (delete space added to prevent spam). Republication or redistribution of this website is absolutely prohibited without the prior written consent of Epstein LaRue. This website is a part of the Epstein Larue Authored Websites, which consist of Epstein LaRue’s Author Homepage, Highway Hypodermics , Travel Nursing Agent, 21st Century Nursing, Crazy Online Romance, Pond Articles, Redneck Possum, Healthy Living Articles, Publishing Success, Traveling Articles, Internet Marketing The Right Way, and Home and Landscape Articles
This web site contains redneck and possum material such as... redneck, recipes, pictures, prehensile, marsupial, didelphis, virginiana, abdominal pouch, young, habit, feigning, slang, rural, white, southerner, politically, conservative, religious, fundamentalist, offensive, agricultural, workers, neck, burned, sun, work, long, hours, possum, possums, possum kingdom, possum kingdom lake rentals, possum kingdom lake, mari possa, dixon kingdom cabin rentals, okefenokee swamp pogo, kingdom lake cabins, pogo, facts of carve that, what do eat, what does a look like, australian, kingdom lodging, western pygmy, baby, the toadies kingdom video, leadbeaters, pictures, queen, honey, kingdom state park, toadies kingdom, where do sleep during the daylight in texas, awesome, australia, possum merino socks, virginia, what does feces look like, where do live, australian, leadbeaters, maria possa, possa, & merino socks, magic, slippers, rosiland park bendigo, bruce hornsby stacked marcy, carly simon playing, dead, dead, jackson bay, mountain pygmy, droppings, facts, kingdom hotels, kingdom sp, net, reproduction, pygmy, where do sleep during the daylight, brushtail, camp constantine, kingdom lake, tx, how to catch a, merino possum angora nylon, hats, jenkins, kingdom camping cabins, kingdom lake rental, kingdom texas, lodge, repellent, trap, the song, what bait to trap, are dangerous, damage from, fat, fat records, golden, how do you feed a baby brushtail, how to get rid of, nz brushtail, belly wood chip trailers for sale, cartoon, export in new zealand, food, fruit, gaurds bendigo, grape jelly, hollow, keychains, kingdom boat rentals, kingdom cover, kingdom lake texas, kingdom rental cabins, kingdom video, pie, repellant, seasoning, stone statues, restaurants at kingdom lake, the hills above kingdom, the toadies kingdom mp3, tree gaurds and cruelty, redneck jokes, redneck, redneck girls, sayings, jeff foxworthy redneck jokes, redneck women, funny jokes, trucks, chicks, humor, tattoos, cartoons, girl, southern jokes, top 10 redneck jokes, pictures, quotes, trailer, valentine's poem, wedding, poems, stickers, babes, rebel graphics, yacht club, games, rampage, free jokes, for obama, backgrounds, myspace layouts, chevy trucks, stuff, dictionary, jokes humor, viessman, test, you might be a redneck, photos, short jokes, engineering, flag, clipart, words, cartoon, girls trucks, choppers, logo, bumper stickers, definition of redneck, gretchen wilson, redneck woman, names, shirts, trailer supply, gay, olympic, jeff foxworthy, golf, viessman, family, skater, humor jokes redneck, wear, longhaired redneck, t-shirts, woman lyrics, stonehenge, tank top, obama, clothing, grammer, graphics, horseshoes, lamb of god, hippie romance, trailer parts, trailers, up against the wall mother, hot, trailer supplies, inventions, monster trucks, party games, weddings, aim icons, homes, national anthem, list of names, my big wedding, buckles, christmas cartoon, christmas songs, haiku, house, joke, party ideas, piece of white trash